TRANSCRIPT: "The Guy Who Plays Mr Belvedere Fan Club" Saturday Night Live, May 9, 1992
The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club
Mr. Chairman.....Tom Hanks
Cheryl.....Victoria Jackson
Doug.....Chris Farley
Adam.....Adam Sandler
Melanie.....Melanie Hutsell
Phil.....Phil Hartman
Kevin.....Kevin Nealon
Mike.....Mike Myers
Comic.....Tim Meadows
Mr. Chairman: Okay, today's meeting comes to order, and, my
friends, we have scored another major coup for all members in good
standing. Now, don't concern yourself with how we did it, because
it involves unsightly back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another
great first as a card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright? If you leave
your membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that
we can park in the handicapped space at his brother's conveniece mart.
Cheryl: That's so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few
items to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much
quicker!
Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of
business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we
resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we
use, so we can identify each other in a strange town or something?
Alright, ideas?
Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.
Cheryl: Benny.
Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.
Doug: Head Cheese?
Melanie: El Stinkmeister.
[ boos ]
Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.
Kevin: How about.. Brocktoon.
Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon! Hey, I like it! Let's vote, alright? All
in favor of Brocktoon, say Aye!
Group: Aye!
Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!
Group: Nay!
Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon it is!
Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK
with me!
[ Comic enters the room ]
Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of
Brocktoon?
Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they're doing a Comedy Night here
later, and I just got here early to sign up.
Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself
comfortable, sit anywhere. We're just getting ready to move on to our next
order of business, but anything else?
Doug: Yeah, I'd like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to
let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is..
the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I say
he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he's just.. I wish.. you
know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is
one of a kind, you know? He's.. I think about him all the time, and..
well, I'm wondering - should we kill him?
Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God's sake, no!
Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.
Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I'd like Doug to
explain why he wants to kill Brocktoon!
Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she'd
be, you know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.
Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!
Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn't know how unworthy I am to hang
out with him..?
Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don't follow. What about the girl you want to
meet?
Doug: Aw, she's probably a lesbo anyway.
Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn't
have to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr.
Belvedere, say Aye.
Group: Aye!
Mr. Chairman: All those who don't think he should be killed, say
Nay.
Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn't
have been that close.
Which brings me to an area I think we need to
discuss. Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere's publicist. It seems
somebody has been killing his housepets again. Now, I'm not gonna ask
which one of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.
Comic: What exercise?
Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and
fantasy a little less blurry. You'll see.
Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?
Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I
shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.
Mr. Chairman: That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be
really neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone
else?
Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling
him how good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook,
but I shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.
Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way,
huh? Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.
Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I
shouldn't have to masturbate at the end of every episode.
Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?
Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Brocktoon a simple dinner
if he truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it
telepathically.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let's keep the exercise in the form
of "should" and "shouldn't", okay? Next?
Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want
to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new
worlds where his flesh becomes my key.
Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.
Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't
want to keep him in a big jar in my basement.
Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now.
Go on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your
basement?
Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't
be able to see him..?
Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..
Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You're
talking about killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Brocktoon guy in a
big jar, and dead housepets?! I mean, can't you see what you're talking
about is wrong?! I mean, can't you see that?!
[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath
fogging up the glass ]
-40-
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