Jack White RULEZ in White Stripes Nation Jack White, Certified Guitar Player

The Official White Stripes Nation Enemies List: Up Against the Wall, Mariah Carey!

January 21, 2006

Generalissimo Alberto: I'm making a list, and checking it twice. Gonna find out who's naughty and nice...

Legendary Monkey: Um... Alberto, Christmas was two weeks ago. Is this one of those deals like where Uncle Duke slept for weeks through the Doonesbury holidays after snorting too much extract of iguana glands?

GA: Oh no, oh Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart. A snootfull of iguana glands does sound good, but this is much more fun than Christmas: I'm working on an official White Stripes Nation enemies list for the new year.

LM: Boy, what in the hell are you on? Are you mixing up dosages again?

GA: Oh, allow me to elucidate. As so often in life, I'm drawing inspiration from my hero Elvis Costello. Starting out in the 70s, he made a big point of carrying around a little black book that he would whip out to show journalists. He said he was using it to record the names of all the people who had crossed him on whom he planned to seek revenge when he got to be a big powerful star.

So, like Elvis Costello- and Richard Nixon and Joseph McCarthy before him- I'm working up a list of enemies of The People who must eventually face the lash of revolutionary justice.

LM: Uh... y'know, I'm not sure that a list of... enemies is really going to help the cause here. Flies, honey, that old drill may be best.

GA: Yeah, yeah, peace and love and reconciliation. Dubya tried making nice with Ted Kennedy, and what good did it do him? He just got his hat handed to him, and ended up looking weak, like a fool.

No, the opposition must be made to FEAR the mighty wrath of the White Stripes, and respect my authorita! To that end, I'm working us up a list of people who must be Dealt With in an appropriately harsh poetic manner.

LM: Let me see this list.

Wait a minute... Alberto, this looks more like a Big Chief pad than a little black book. Speaking of hero worship and all, do I need to buy you a green hat or--

Oh. Oh, wait, I think you sold me on this. This is an idea I can get behind! Garth Brooks, check. Coldplay, double check. Pretty Ricky certainly have it coming.

GA: See, I knew you'd love it. We'll put all the worst offenders against a decent system of Geometry and Theology on notice that we will not tolerate any...

LM: Yeah, hold on a minute there, Generalissimo. Where's the obvious Public Enemy #1?

GA: What you talking about?

LM: Look Alberto, you do not even need to play innocent with the monkey. You think I haven't seen that little porno stash of yours? I have tactfully ignored it to this point, but if you think we're putting out an enemies list without Mariah Carey on the top, well you've got another think coming.

GA: But she's so CUTE.

LM: Holy Mary Reborn Literally, I mean c'mon. Maybe she's cute in a $10 behind-the-bar-hooker sort of way. Just look at this picture. Looks like the cover of a particularly bad, cheap porno DVD.

GA: You say that like it's a bad thing. Plus, I'd say that picture would be the cover of a good porno. Besides, isn't it better that perhaps more disturbing and inappropriate thoughts be directed against the cheap slut rather than, say, our esteemed and high class Queen Meg?

LM: Look, I SO do not want to know what you're thinking when you look at that cheap tramp, but business is business. You KNOW that she is the worst and most wicked purveyor of cheap soulless corporate swill passed off as "pop music" going today. I can't believe that YOU of all people would stoop to counterrevolutionary activities over THIS trollop.

GA: Hey, now, easy with accusations of deviationism. Alright, alright, She Who Must Not Be Named goes on the list. I'm sorry, "Honey."

LM: Alrighty then, let me just pencil the evil one into the top of the list...

I notice some Post-It notes here from our future Minister of Defense...

GA: Yes, field reports from DJ Radiohead.

DJRadiohead: The lash of revolutionary justice? This sounds like a task requiring assistance from the Defense Ministry. The enemies of The People are a threat. They will join us or die I think I have previously seen that line used. They will be re-educated or they will feel our wrath!

LM: Alrighty, then. Now THIS is starting to look like an enemies list The People can live with. Let's get this thing out, so I can escape from here and get images of you and Mariah out of my head.

With no further ado then, here is

The Annotated Official White Stripes Nation Enemies List

Mariah Carey
GA: Look, I don't want to flog a dead horse...

LM: Flog a dead cow would be more like it.

GA: Enough already. We've made the point. No need piling on.

Christopher Rose aka Alienboy
GA: Not to put too fine a point on it, but this dude is just BEGGING for re-education. He came into White Stripes Nation, saying "The Captain and Tennille are more artistic and interesting." That right there could get you shot.

This Alienboy is going to be trouble for White Stripes Nation, mark my words.

GA: Damn, but this Ricky Martin guy just makes me want to bring the pimp hand down. Whiny ass little drama queen.

LM: You know it's CHRIS Martin. You're slandering poor Ricky Martin. Even he doesn't deserve comparison to this faux artist. Ought to make him listen to some Fiona Apple.

GA: Yeah, she might could learn him how to make some artsy ROCK on a piano without being such a pussy.

LM: Perhaps in White Stripes Nation Chris Martin will generously be allowed to live, working as Elton John's piano tuner.

GA: That's better than he deserves, but ok, oh merciful Monkey.

Garth Brooks
GA: The "anti-Hank" as the blessed Kinky Friedman has called Garth, has done more to destroy the very concept of country music than any one other person. He's just that awful. It pains me to know that Garth Brooks is some people's idea of what country music is about.

20 years of hard labor picking cotton would serve him right. That might soften him up to actually get all those Johnny Cash records that he's going to be listening to instead of frickin' crappy Kiss.

LM: Also, every time some drunken asshole starts moaning away about his friends in low places, Garth Brooks should be slapped like the bitch he is.

GA: Seems only fair.

Bob Geldof
GA: First off, this is about MUSIC, not ridiculous cheap posturing like you're Jesus of Nazareth. Sumbitch KNOWS better. Listen to The Fine Art of Surfacing. That was some worthy pop music. Now he wants to think that he's not only a great spiritual leader, but a global power broker negotiating with world governments.

In White Stripes Nation, Geldof will be doing community service performing in a clown outfit for children's birthday parties, like Homey the Clown. A suitable soundtrack for this service will doubtless contain a lot of class Coasters records, particularly "Charlie Brown."

Ashlee and Jessica Simpson
LM: Melt them down for experimentation. We need to find a way to recycle plastic anyway, right?

DJR: If we don't melt them down, which would actually be fun to watch, we could force them to spend the rest of their lives working at a soup kitchen (wearing clothes, mind you) or some such shelter. They got a lot of money for doing very little to better the cause of humanity. Let us balance the scales requiring them to do much for humanity and receiving nothing monetarily in return.

GA: Besides any musical considerations, I'll just say that Jessica Simpson isn't fit to fill Catherine Bach's Daisy Dukes.

Pretty Ricky
GA: Look, Pretty Ricky sucks real bad as any kind of music. But it's so much more aggravated than merely sucking. They just do not sound very gentlemanly AT ALL.

Worst of all, they don't sound like they're even really enjoying their determined whoring. Does this sound like fun, or does it sound like them and their hoes are punching the clock? "you tha worker and I'm tha boss/ grab your pink slip girl, let me lay you off"

Their rehabilitation must begin with learning some manners and respect for young ladies. Start with some classes at the Smokey Robinson School for Young Gentlemen.

Gwen Stefani
DJR: Garbage in, garbage out.

She combined hip hop, reggae, pop, and marching band pep rallies (atrocious forms of music, all) and came up with something worse: Love. Angel. Music. Baby. It is bad enough when the youth fill their songs with vapid lyrics describing shallow, high school emotions.When you are a 36-year old mother-to-be, it is embarrassing. It is criminal. It will not escape The People's Judgment.

Gwen's age works against her. She might be past the point of re-education. She will be sentenced to life in Camp Mimi without the possibility of parole or another recording contract (this includes cameos). Her child will be banished to a musicless facility in Greenland in the hopes of preventing a repeat of the sins of her mother (and father).

GA: These idiots get to represent for a whole range of idiot concept bands with merely loud guitars and loads of schtick, or shit, as we might call it down on the farm. These fools wouldn't know what a "tune" was if it bit them in the ass.

They think they're Alice Cooper- another Detroit native like our Dear Leader. Difference is, Alice took the time and attention to songcraft to compose "Schools Out" and "Only Women Bleed." He had actual SONGS at the core of his act.

Frankly, their crap is too boring for me to even care to dream up an arcane punishment. Just be banished from the kingdom. And when you're gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You've lost all your LA privileges.

Shania Twain
GA: There may be no higher offense against any decent idea of Geometry and Theology than modern commercial country music. This crap ain't country or any reflection of the culture of Jimmie Rodgers or Johnny Cash, and it barely qualifies as music. Basically, modern country music is 20 year old pop music with all the black carefully removed. Yucky bland suburban white bread. YUCK.

Even among the bland whitebread, Shania Twain merits special derision. This emotionless commercial drivel is especially heinous in the presumption that all you got to do to be good country music is slap a little fiddle onto your third tier Def Leppard album for the US release, and voila! Country music.

Then she's got that song, "Man, You Make Me Feel Like Slapping a Woman."

Britney Spears
GA: Fish in a barrel, yes I know. Alright then, to summarize, the Wikipedia entry for "corporate tool" should have her picture in it. There's no idea of love of music in her product- just whatever will push the buy buttons of foolish teenagers. She's too old for her classic kiddie porn appeal, still she won't go away.

The People are particularly offended by the poopie-licking "Lucky." We are SO not interested in hearing her talk about how tough and lonely it is being a big star. "Hit Me Baby One More Time"? Okay!

She's so ridiculous that really there's no point even in trying to re-educate her. She'd have to grow a brain first. In White Stripes Nation, she can live out the rest of her natural life working in crappy mall stores, the Gap perhaps- forced to listen to her own records day and night. I would predict a quick suicide.

DJR: I think we're gonna have to shoot her, General Sir. I mean, if we put her in a Gap in a mall and play her records, well that'd be leaving her music around where someone could accidentally find it and hear it. In WSN, the radio belongs to The People. There will be no Britney on the radio. The People's Bandwidth will not stand for it.

Against. The. Wall.

GA: Perhaps you're right, Minister. Maybe it would be more humane to just put her down.

Jon Bon Jovi
DJR: I struggled for a few minutes deciding which over-the-hill dinosaur deserved inclusion in the registry of Enemies of The People: Jon Bon Jovi or Paul McCartney. In the end, Bon Jovi was the easy choice. At least McCartney used to be good.

As for Bon Jovi. talk about re-education. The Enemies have conspired to re-write Jon Bon Jovi's history. There are those who have forgiven Bon Jovi his hair metal sins even as he rapes the songbook of fellow New Jerseyian Bruce Springsteen (and gets it all wrong, of course).

He will serve at Camp Mimi where he will write the following sentence
100,000 times:

Scarves do not belong on microphone stands

Following his release from Camp Mimi he will work in a scarf-manufacturing sweat shop until his death, which cannot come soon enough.

GA: Hey, go easy on snorting them iguana glands there, Minister. Yes, Jon Bon Jovi will be up against the wall. Obviously that has to be.

But Paul McCartney is a holy man. Got to have respect for the author of "Helter Skelter" and Silly Love Songs." OK, so his more recent albums haven't been up to snuff. But actually, I'll give him pretty decent marks for the new one.

Ask yourself, WWJD? What would Jack do? Paul McCartney may be past his prime, but we must revere our elders as Jack reveres Loretta Lynn.

Rod Stewart
In White Stripes Nation, we do not leave our old folk out on to die in the cold- unless you're talking about Rod Stewart. He's too old and decrepit to qualify now as a real enemy, but "Maggie Mae" doesn't make up for "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." One more rote album of Broadway standards, and he could get awfully cold out on that ice floe.

DJR: They will return Jack and Meg's Grammy and spend the rest of their days polishing it.

GA: I want to like Outkast, but they just have very weak songwriting, as if they were mostly concerned with costumes and staging and everything but the basic tunesmithing.

Perhaps they could be rendered fit for civilization with just some remedial classes at the Sly Stone School of R&B Songwriting. I personally find the absolutely crappy songs of the Black Eyed Peas even far more egregious, but they will meet the lash perhaps another day.

Renee Zellwegger ?
DJR: The sins of Renee Zellwegger-Chesney-Zellwegger are well known and it is only right and proper she be called to account for them.

Her hair will be dyed black in accordance with Jack's wishes and she will be force fed sandwiches until she bursts.

GA: I'm torn on this one. On one hand, perhaps she deserves punishment for betraying the revolution. On the other hand, obviously Jack still has some feelings there. We may have to spare Renee Zellwegger from the lash out of deference to our Dear Leader.

LegendaryMonkey Alisha Karabinus provides the inner voice of sweet reason for evolved primates at Sudden Nothing.

Al Barger plots the overthrow of the government and his continuing crusade for Moorish dignity at More Things.






PHOTOS PAGE 4   Loretta Lynn and Jack White Gallery

PHOTOS PAGE 5   Meg White Gallery 1

PHOTOS PAGE 6   Meg White Gallery 2

PHOTOS PAGE 7   Meg White Gallery 3

PHOTOS PAGE 8   Meg White Gallery 4




Up against the wall, Mariah Carey!


"Seven Nation Army"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto I

"Jimmy the Exploder"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto II

"Sugar Never Tasted So Good"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto III

"You're Pretty Good Looking"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto IV

"Hello Operator"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto V

"Apple Blossom"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto VI

"Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto VII

"We're Going To Be Friends"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto VIII

"Fell in Love With a Girl"  White Stripes Nation Manifesto IX

"Hotel Yorba" White Stripes Nation Manifesto X

"There's No Home For You Here" White Stripes Nation Manifesto XI



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